RHONY: I'd like to introduce you to my friend...

...Single Jealous Female. You know the one. My SJF broke up with her boyfriend of over six years just a few weeks before my wedding. That was fun. Ever since, SJF has been trying to one up me in every aspect of my life. But not with her swinging single escapades.... with her other married friends. Sound strange? Observe:

SJF: How much did you wedding cost?
RHWONY: Eeeehhh I don't really like to talk about that stuff.
SJF: Come on, I'm one of your best friends!
RHWONY: Eeerrr, I'm not really sure of an exact figure.
SJF: More than $20,000?
RHWONY: Yeah
SJF: More than $40,000?
RHWONY: Probably...um bartender, can I get a refill please? Thaaaaaaaaanks.
SJF: More than $50,000?
RHWONY: That's probably the ballpark...weddings are crazy and cost lots of money and I don't like to talk about it.
SJF: Well yeah I mean my friend Betty's wedding cost over $100,000, so I know. I mean..... [insert random ramble about how super-de-duper Betty's wedding was].
RHWONY: Hmmm... so....

SJF: How many carats is your engagement ring?
RHWONY: Oooh, I dunno somewhere around 2.
SJF: Yeah that's a good size - definitely not too big. It's not extravagant. I mean my cousin's was like $30,000 and is 3 carats. Wouldn't you just feel unsafe walking around with a rock like that on your hand?
RHWONY: Yeah, I'm glad I just have my chip. Thanks.

SJF: So are you guys doing anything special for your first anniversary?
RHWONY: Well, we were planning on going to Italy for a vacay, but then Uncle Sam raped us in the butt and took all our money. So something low key. Maybe we'll go to dinner at the restaurant where we got engaged or do a weekend in the Hamptons or go to a casino.
SJF: That'll be nice for you guys, Susie and Jake are going to the Greek Isles. Isn't that where you originally wanted to honeymoon?
RHWONY: Yup...that's the place.

RHWONY: So I'm really excited...three jobs opened up at this school where I'd love to work!
SJF: Oh I know people in that district.
RHWONY: OMG. Hook a sista up!
SJF: Oh yeah, those positions are already filled.
RHWONY: Really? I called personnel yesterday and they said they haven't started interviewing yet.
SJF: Well who did you speak to? Marcia? Because I spoke to Marcia Jr. today and she told me they were filled.
RHWONY: oh.

Now, bearing all of this in mind, she has a good heart and has stuck by me through some tough times. She's got major issues, clearly. But seriously. WTF?
Stay tuned for more.

RHWONY: Defined

Real HouseWife of New York: noun. 1. a woman who does not know how to be second best in a world of the best. 2. one who wants everything. now. in a place where everyone has everything. and it's better than hers.You can forget the countess, that tacky guidette and the poor girl, Alex.

This is a REAL housewife of New York.

Meet "RHWONY"

MWF with the need to be the best at everything...cooking, baking, entertaining, staying fit, interior decorating and basically just existing and being fabulous. Any jealous haters need not apply...I've got enough in my life.

Smoked pot -- $20 at least once a weekend in high school.
Did acid -- $20
Ever had sex at church -- $50
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $20 his name was definitely Derek "like oil derek" he said
Had sex with someone you met on My Space -- $1,000.00
Had sex for money -- $50
Vandalized something -- $500 does an empty sixer of wine coolers in a USPS mailbox to hide evidence count?
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $50
Beat up someone -- $50
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $50 this is amateur when you're a woman.
Given money to stripper -- $20 I think I'm owed an extra $20 bc the stripper was my friend, no?
Been in love with a stripper -- $50
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$100
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $50
Ever drive drunk -- $20 Ashamed to admit it, but most Fridays after Happy Hour at my old job. I'm done with that junk.
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $30 I definitely chaperoned a middle school prom, went out after and reported to field day the following day in less than stellar shape.
Used toys while having sex -- $30 duh.
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $100 I could really rack up some major bucks here if you let me count each time.
Went skinny dipping -- $50 You wish you had photos.
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $50 Let's be honest, who doesn't want that attention?
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $200
Cheated on your significant other -- $100 Let's be clear...NOT my husband.
Masturbated -- $50 Has anyone not?
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$300 and then made them hate their friend who told on us because I said he was lying? yup. And it was his friend...not even that close...I'll take half that money to be fair
Done oral -- $50 seriously?
Got oral -- $5 would I have married him if I hadn't?
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25 long drives get boring.
Stole something -- $10 I was young and in need of eyeliner.
Had sex with someone in jail -- $50
Made a nasty home video -- $50
Had a threesome -- $100
Had sex in the wild -- $20 I don't really do "wild." I'm from NYC. Get real. But the beach counts.
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $50 and had sex at the same time...and did it better.
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $50
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $100
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $20
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $20
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $20 Couldn't break the boy's heart, could I?
Went streaking -- $50
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $50
Been arrested -- $100
Spent time in jail -- $500
Peed in the pool -- $20 isn't that what chlorine's for?
Played spin the bottle -- $20 when I was like 12, really?
Done something you regret -- $100.00 who hasn't?
Had sex with your best friend >-- $500.00 he's my hub.
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$50
Had anal sex -- $50
Lied to your mate -- $5 little white.
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $20

Bail me out for $2015!