SAHW: Diarrhea or Constipation?

I am in the middle of a shit storm right now.

I will be the happiest person on earth after Mr. and Mrs. Pibb get married. You think they'll be happy? Au contraire. I'LL BE HAPPY! Their happiness won't compare to mine. At the end of the night, they'll be man and wife BUT I'll be done with this bridesmaid bullshit!

Latest update: bachelorette party.

Maid of honor MIA. Bridesmaid#2 backed out. Bridesmaid#1 (me) needs a straitjacket.

Will there be diarrhea of the mouth or do I plug up and not say a word?

(Actually let's be real. It would be more than just one word. It will probably be many words that start with f and end in -uck or some other various colorful FUCKING counterpart. Oops did I forget to say "ear muffs"?)

Kill me now.

SAHW: That's not in my job description

You wanna know the single most reason why I AM OVER WEDDINGS...?

I can't get away from them!!!

My friends, soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Pibb are getting married this summer and I am in their wedding. Don't get me wrong. It's a complete honor (at least that's what I keep telling myself) but remember what I said about weddings before? Something happens. The world stops for the bride and she lives in a bubble. Within that bubble is her own reality and she has no FREAKING CLUE what is going on in the outside world. Sensibility and manners just go out the window!

Her bachelorette party is quickly approaching and for some reason I am the one who got stuck with planning this shit. Uh excuse me?? I am not the Maid of Honor. I am the bridesmaid. This isn't in my job description. Isn't this the Maid of Honor's job? Isn't that why she got the coveted title, she gets to wear something different than the other bridesmaids, why she gets to stand next to the bride on her wedding day?

You know what really makes me cringe? When brides "expect" things from their bridesmaids. I booked Mrs. Pibb's massage and emailed her to let her know that it was all taken care of. Isn't that what good little bridesmaids do? She promptly emails me, directs me to the website and the most expensive massage as the one she wants. WHAT.THE.FUCK?? Do I look like I am made of money? You're the one that got the 1 carat engagement ring, not me!

I realize that being a bridesmaid costs money. I get that. I was a bride before but maybe my expectations of my bridesmaids were a little lower: buy the dress, buy the shoes, celebrate my last night of singleness with me affording what you can (Shit I even paid for my Matron of Honor's spa day because she didn't have the fundage) and stand by me on my wedding day. I NEVER MADE DEMANDS! After reading her email I didn't know what to say.

And the cherry on top is that the Maid of Honor never returned my phone call.

2x.

SAHW: I am so over it!

I think something crazy happens when you get that engagement ring on your finger. It's like an automatic hazy bubble surrounds you and your whole life is put on hold while you plan for 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, 24 months for the perfect wedding. Mine took me 18 months. I can't quite put my finger on it but there is something about weddings that bring out the best and worst in people.

I have lost friends and gained friends, cried, bawled, laughed, screamed, jumped, tripped, twirled and eventually got my day. I remember thinking after the wedding that I was so glad that "it" was finally over. Don't get me wrong! I loved my wedding day but planning...? Eh not so much.

But just when you think that your wedding has come and gone, you realize that the wedding isn't over that pivotal day that you said "I do". Now the bubble has burst, the world stops moving in slow motion and I am thrown back into the reality of life BUT I am still dealing with wedding related shit. Unlike my sappy wedding wifezilla counterpart, I AM SO OVER WEDDINGS!

(Do it. Call me snarky. I'll fucking wear it as a badge of honor.)

SAHW: Rewind

Please spare me any pyscho-babble you have to try to diagnose why I do not want children. I already know why. Its really quite simple. I am a selfish bitch. And its not the motherly dog persuasion either. I am talking B-I-T-C-H. Bitch.

I fully admit that I am selfish with my time, my husband and my money. All of which gets sucked up by children *IF* you are a good parent. Please do not be disillusioned that nothing changes after you have children. Everything changes. As it should. If you don't accept that your ability to stay out all night or being able to continue indulging your Manolo shoe addiction won't change, you are delusional unless you are Angelina Jolie and have the benjamins to do all of the above.

I know my anti-children decision makes my mother sad but if we're gonna be honest, my worst fear is actually becoming my mother. Think about it? Where do you learn your parenting skills? You learn by mimicking your own parents and how they raised you. You think I am wrong? Stop reading and pick a situation with your kid(s) from memory. Did your mother do the same thing with you? BINGO.

Even though we have a steady relationship now we are far from close. When I was younger we butted heads all the time and to this day I do not agree with her parental decisions on more than one occasion. I know I wasn't the easiest child either so I willingly take 1/2 the blame but sometimes I wonder if she resented having me and that shaped her parenting skills. If we do the math my parents got married in July and I was born in February... July, August, September, October, November, December, January, February. I know I was a preemie but I am not stupid.

Maybe deep down it is more complicated than just being selfish but I can tell you this much... I know I do not want children and at the very least, you should want them. Enough said.

SAHW: Deconstructed

I know what you're thinking...

What the hell does a Stay At Home Wife do if there are no drool monsters to take care of? Stop. Just stop. I don't need any Suzy Homemakers telling me that its only worthwhile to stay at home if you have children. I already have a mother-in-law who fills the position quite nicely. Don't get me wrong. I love this woman like my own mother but she's got a chronic sickness that is medically defined as granchildrenitis. Its a constant and neverending pain. I think she's going to start a foundation soon.

Contrary to popular belief I am not a baby hater. I adore children. Let me clarify. I adore "other people's children" because when I am done holding your crap factories, I can give it back to you and relish in the fact that I do not own a diaper genie. See the beauty of the sitch? Now you're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know you do.

But can someone explain this phenomenon to me?

Why do complete strangers feel its their right to tell me that I need... No wait... its my *DUTY* to have children now that I am married? Since when are women defined by that school yard jump rope mentality: first-comes-marriage-then-comes-kids narrow brick road?

Not this bitch. ::pointing emphatically at self::

Thank you very much.

Meet "SAHW"

I am a SAHW that knows what she wants. She doesn't want to be a SAHM. All babies' daddies need not apply.

Smoked pot -- $20 Just FYI, sex is so incredible when you are high.
Did acid -- $20
Ever had sex at church -- $50
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $20
Had sex with someone you met on My Space -- $1,000
Had sex for money -- $50
Vandalized something -- $500 Rank eggs+toilet papering her car counts esp if she tried to get with your bff's man.
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $50
Beat up someone -- $50 She fucked around with my man. Oh hell nah...
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $50 It was halloween. It happens.
Given money to stripper -- $20 Just doing my part to support the performing arts.
Been in love with a stripper -- $50
Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- $100 Sure. why not.
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $50
Ever drive drunk -- $20 Better me than the person who was unconscious
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $30 Who hasn't?
Used toys while having sex -- $30 Gotta keep my man happy in the sack
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $100 No comment because I obviously don't remember
Went skinny dipping -- $50 Thats like a right of passage in high school --> college right?
Had sex in a pool -- $20 It was so cold but it wasn't the water that gave me chills.
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $50 I gave myself the money for a cheek kiss. Sue me.
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $200
Cheated on your significant other -- $100 It was not my husband but still not proud of it
Masturbated -- $50 Gotta keep ME happy in the sack.
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$300
Done oral -- $50
Got oral -- $5 What goes around comes around. Just saying...
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
Stole something -- $10 I was 5 years old! I really wanted that headband. It had sparkles.
Had sex with someone in jail -- $50
Made a nasty home video -- $50
Had a threesome -- $100
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $50 A memory I care not to revisit.
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $50 What if it was actually a $100? I stole it from my roommate's one-night-stand's wallet after he passed out on my dorm floor.
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $100
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $20
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $20 Yes. I do not believe you only get 1 true love.
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $20
Went streaking -- $50 In all my bouncing au natural DD glory.
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $50
Been arrested -- $100
Spent time in jail -- $500
Peed in the pool -- $20 Don't even try to convince yourself that you never have.
Played spin the bottle -- $20 Isn't this mandatory at junior high parties?
Done something you regret -- $100 Who hasn't? Maybe Mother Theresa? But I still think even she has skeletons.
Had sex with your best friend -- $500 My husband is my best friend. Doesn't get any cheesier than that.
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $50
Had anal sex -- $50
Lied to your mate -- $5 Don't kid yourself. And its not just you. He's lied to you too.
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $20 I admit it. What mate hasn't?

Bail me out! $2140

Be honest. Whats your bail?