BOTB: Marriage is all about give and take

Before I get to the meat of this story, the part that will have you rolling on the floor pissing your pants let me first tell you about Stink and I the early years ...

We were best friends before we started dating. He was an anal retentive clean freak and in return for him cleaning my room, I made him dinner. I also got paid in weed every week to do his laundry. It was the good life. I love to cook, but hate to clean and laundry isn't so bad when you're stoned out of your mind. This perfect, happy way of life continued after our relationship started, but then, it stopped.

Fast forward to today. We're married. We no longer give a shit about impressing each other and worst of all, I broke my top of the line husband aka maid. We now play little games to see who will gave first as the mountain of dishes takes over our sink and our apartment is in a perpetual state of looking like a tornado just swept through. I never thought I would say this, but I'm tired of the mess and I want my cleaner bee husband back.

Enter in the 3am deal. Stink wants more sex, I want more cleaning. So what does any good couple capable of reaching a compromise do? We make a deal. In exchange for an pristine apartment and a sink full of nothing but shine, I, in turn, am required to provide sex twice a week and one BJ. I'm pretty sure Stink got the short end of the stick because while I'm often too lazy to have sex at least I enjoy it. If you enjoy cleaning you're certifiably crazy.

Enter our Mid Day Gchat
Left unedited for your viewing pleasure

Stink: so im guessing you were serious about our little deal last night?
im surprised you broke down so soon, only 1 year of me not cleaning and your
ready to give up the jewels eh?
looks like my plan worked perfectly!
im so pumped to start cleaning when i get home
you have no idea

me: asshole

Stink: ?
i just joking around
no need to be offended
..
?
hello?

me: sorry
i was doing something

Stink: oh
i thought you were super pissed
:)

me: no
i need to have all dishes done and the bedroom picked up before you start getting any nookie though

Stink: ic
me: you already got some once this week

Stink: did I now

me: and frankly i don't trust you

Stink: that was last week sweetie
:)
ha you dont trust me says the woman of broken promises

me: it was in the last 7 days sweetie

Stink: i think you owe me like 30 bjs

me: um those few you got a couple weeks ago more than make up for those
each one was easily worth 10 bjs

Stink: ?
you mean the new position? I will give you credit for that
it was hot
ok ok we are even for now
but you better bet your ass im getting you naked and doing dirty things to you by the end of the week
i think you forget how much of a motivator my penis is

me: lmao
hey you clean you'll get some sweet loving

Stink: ive been telling you for months if you want me to clean, give my crotch some
attention
its not rocket science, didn't they teach you that in "How to handle men 101"

me: I guess I forgot that part

Stink: ha

me: then again most men are like me ... they don't clean

Stink: study harder next time
yeah
well you bought one that used to
and then you broke him

me: i think that part wasn't really in the class

Stink: orly
i was pretty sure it was under "how to use sex to get what you want" on the syllabus

me: i know my fucking husband is a defective model ... you think I can get my money
back?

Stink: nope
all sales are final

me: ahhhh ok I remember that part

Stink: you can just dispose of him
no special permit required
just get your stamp from family court
aka divorce
:P

me: you think you'd make good fertilizer for my veggies if i disposed of you in the back
yard?

Stink: alimony not guaranteed
um nope
human body has too much acid in it

me: wtf of course I get alimony
i have to put up with your shit

Stink: you need to wait until i dry out a bit

me: i deserve millions for that

Stink: ha
lets not get started on what i deserve......

BOTB: The Devil You Know

I admit it; I have a few internet friends and quite a few internet acquaintances. What I find interesting is that there is one thing in common for most people who I meet online. They're either stay at home parents/ husbands/wives OR they fucking hate their job and do everything in their power to avoid work. A few people like their jobs, but most of us spend 90% of the day avoiding the work we’re supposed to do.

Is it just me? Are my friends pathetic? Or does everyone hate their job?

I know I hate my job. I can't stand it. I dred Sunday afternoons because I know Monday is close at hand so really I can only truly enjoy one day a week. Not cool. What pisses me off most is that I'm pretty damn sure that if I got another job I would hate it just as much so pretty much I'm screwed and stuck being miserable. I’d rather stick with the devil I know, but he’s still the fucking devil.

I have just under fifty years left of the torture that is get up, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed. Talk about a depressing life. Someone shoot me now. Please.

BOTB: Wildebeasts aka Men

What is it with husbands errr make that guys thinking women like being treated like a dead carcass waiting in the jungle to be taken advantage of? First, I’m not dead. I’m alive, kicking and screaming with maybe a quick stop to breath on the side. Second, when I want some sweet loving I’ll let you know. I am perfectly capable of flexing my very own sexual muscle and no, as much fun as it may be, I’m not talking about working on my Kegels.

My poor husband just can’t seem to get it. If he didn’t paw at me like a lion trying to eat his kill his chances might be just a wee bit better. I tell him this. He doesn’t listen. What is it about guys that makes them dumber than rocks? Scientific-like people say colorblindness is more common in men. Frankly, I’m starting to have my doubts. Could it just be that they’re too dumb to recognize the difference in color? That the problem isn’t just in their eyes and that its the larger problem of them just being men? I think it might.

This is how a typical convo with Stink goes.

Stink - Why won’t you ever fuck me?
Me - Because you treat me like a peace of meat and my vibrator doesn’t.
Stink - I’m sorry I’ll stop

Next Day
I’m sitting on the couch watching TV. Stink waggles over sticks his cock in my face and wiggles it around and starts groping me.

Me - Go away!
Stink - Why won’t you ever fuck me?

repeat previous days convo
Sigh … they never learn

BOTB: Weddings

Last week if you had bothered to ask me how I feel about weddings I would have said "I'm so over them." Don't get me wrong I love being able to help my friends with their weddings and I have a sickening sense of pride that I still have every stupid website that has the perfect insert any wedding item imagineable engrained in my brain for all of eternity, but it's really not as much fun when it's not you're own wedding. I admit I was a crazy bride. No, not a bridezilla asshole, just a crazy bride. There's a big difference. One is a crazy asshole the other is just plain looney toons. I was just plain looney toons. Nothing more nothing less.

Now where was I? Oh ya, I was over weddings, I have what seems like a million to go to this summer and I'm in two of them. That's just a lot of wedding maddness for any one person to have to deal with and it certainly didn't help that the first wedding I went to at the beginning of this month was bo-ring. Add to that the fact that the bride and groom didn't even want to hold hands much less kiss or pretend they love each other and it pretty much just dumps it's ass into the dud wedding category.

Then last weekend happened and for the time being my love of weddings has been restored. Sure, the old friends in from out of town helped the situation, but really it was the ceremony that reminded me why weddings are so great.

Let's backtrack a bit.

Leading up to the wedding I had helped my friend, lets call her Diane with quite a few things. Giving her tips and pointers where I could. But poor Diane. Every time she went off and did something on her own it would turn out I had done the same exact thing.

D - "OMG we found the PERFECT song for me to walk down the aisle to."

BOTB - "Sweet! What is it"

D - "Storybook Love. It's by Mark Knopffler. Do you know it."

BOTB (smacks forehead and prepares to break the news) - "Um ya I know it, that's what I walked down the aisle to"

BS - "Nooooooooooooo"

There were a few things like that and I stood by the fact that I did not hold rights to any of it and it was all free game. I was genuine when I said it unlike some ex-bridezillas who would throw a hissy fit. I truly wanted her day to be everything she wanted and who was I to stand in the way of that.

Fastforward to the Wedding Day

As I walked to the entry way and prepared to make my debut as her bridesmaid I heard it. The song I walked down the aisle to *cue tears.* She had told me she decided to use it for the bridal party, but I, not caring so much about weddings, forgot. I walked out with my preassigned groomsman to my favorite part of the song. The point where the music moves you and it brought me right back to just less than a year ago when I was walking towards my hubs to that very song feeling the emotional tugs of the music pull me down the aisle towards the man I loved.

The ceremony started and right away The Art of Marriage was read. While I didn't use it in my ceremony because it's seriously the most overused wedding passage on the face of the earth and if you haven't heard it before you're living under a rock, I did have it on the granite placque-y thing that my bouquet rested on during the ceremony. What? Just because it's overused doesn't mean I can't still like it. Cue more struggling not to cry.

Then the piece de resistance ... the Hands Ceremony. I had been told her hands ceremony was completely different from mine. It wasn't. It was word for word the same thing that was read at my ceremony while I was clinging to my almost-husband's hands looking longingly into his eyes. Yep, that was it, I was no longer paying attention to the bride, I was focused on my husband. The man I love with every bit of myself and couldn't imagine my life without. I was brought right back to that moment when we committed the rest of our lives to each other and I felt all the love I had on our wedding day rush back to me.

When I was reunited with my hubs I asked him if he noticed. He paused and unsurely replied "ya." BULLSHIT. I was sitting there having this uber emotional love inducing experience while my husband was sitting there with his tumb up his ass watching the bride and groom. Motherfucker.

Despite my husband being 100% oblivious. I love weddings again, I love the pure emotion expressed when people are committing themselves to one another. I love the dancing to cheesy song drunk off one too many glasses of champagne and the hook ups. Who doesn't love placing bets on the singles who will hook up after the last dance is done. Most of all though, I love that it's somewhere I 've been before. I know those emotions, I know the pure rush of adreneline, love and holy shit (yes holy shit is an emotion) that fills your body that day. Really, truly, honestly, what's not to love about weddings?

BOTB: To baby or not to baby that is the question

Unlike tweedle dee and tweedle dumb (more oftenly known as SAHW and SMILF or is that SMILF and SAHW?) I can't wait to be a mom. A real, live, shitting a watermelon out your cooch mom, preferably one of the SAH persuassion.

When I was younger and in my I'm "12 and I know everything phase" not much different from my current "I'm 25 and know everything phase" I pretty much told my Aunt she was useless because she was a SAHM and didn't do anything else. Open mouth insert foot Now, there's a big difference between the type of SAHM I want to be and the type she was. She was one of those prissy bitches who had a maid come by a few times a week, forced her husband to take the kids to school and practices an then had the balls to complain about how tough her life was. If I EVER become that much of a sniviling whiny craphole of a mom someone please just shoot me. TIA

I refuse to be like that because unlike my Aunt I actually love kids, I think they're even better than sliced bread. If I could somehow stay home with my someday babies I would be in heaven. Not because I'd get to be a lazy ass who did nothing with her life and complained about it, but because it would give me the opportunity to really be there for my kids, giving them all the love and tenderness and bitchslap ... I mean dicipline they could ever need. I want my kids to respect me, but at the same time know that they can come to me when they need something. I want to be there for every soccer game and every practice, recitle whatever it is I want to be there. I want to give up life as I know it so that my kids can have every opportunity I can provide them. Basically, I want to be like my parents.

My parents were seriously the perfect parents. Sure at 16 I thought they had their flaws, but looking back at my life I'm in awe of them because I was somehow lucky enough to have parents that would do anything and more for my brother and I. We were their world, their life, their everything. While on one hand we were spoiled with their love and time, we were always well rounded kids who could stand up for ourselves and were never spoiled with material things. Sure, my mom went to every store known to man to get me the silly TalkBoy (or whatever it was called) from Home Alone 2, but we certainly never got everything we wanted. My parents gave up 20 years of their life literally doing almost nothing for themselves because they were happier doing for us. If I can be half the parents they were and be half as in love with my hubs as they still are after 30+ years of marriage I will be one lucky bitch.

Which brings me to my current predicament. I want babies so very badly. I can't wait to have them. I not so secretly hope for an accident, but then I stop and think about the type of parent I want to be and I say to myself ohh fuck no. There is no way I'm ready to give up my life for anyone yet. My husband is even worse than I am, but at least he has the common sense to know it. I go through these wonderful phases of being blissfully unaware of all the consequences of shitting out babies, but then there are those days when I stop and say to myself umm, we're in debit, we live in the crappiest apt on the face of the earth and there's still so much I want to do before I give up everything for kiddies. What the hell am I thinking? I know I want them for selfish reasons at this point and that's the main reason I should wait.

How can you want kids so badly and stop yourself from being selfish enough to have them before you're ready? I know I know you're never really ready, but...On some level I feel like I'll never live up to my parents.

Hmm if only I could win the lottery I'd be set. I could buy a house, travel and pay off our debit all before having kids. I think if I got all that I might be read. Anyone know how to magically win the lotto? If you want to give me a million bucks that should do it too. Come on make my dreams of babies come true you know you want to.

Meet "BOTB"

MWF with BOTB. Looking to get pregnant ASAP. Ex-nympho turned ambivalent looking for magical Jesus-like immaculate conception. If you can get my husband baby ready you're the one for me!

Smoked pot -- $20 ahh one of my favorite pastimes in college
Dropped acid -- $20 you should see the tripping sex tape ;)
Ever had sex at church -- $50 ... no but would a graveyard count?
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $20
Had sex with someone you met on My Space -- $1,000.00
Had sex for money -- $50
Vandalized something -- $500 TP-ing and forking are fun
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $50 Of course, they have a water bed
Beat up someone -- $50
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $50 I dressed up as a boy for Halloween one year. That counts right?
Given money to stripper -- $20 - money and blow
Been in love with a stripper -- $50
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$100 oh god ya
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $50 only work with guys
Ever drive drunk -- $20 - most fun drive of my entire life ... I will never do it again
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $30 ya and it sucks
Used toys while having sex -- $30 - I love my 2 foot glass dildo (It's double sided get your mind out of the gutter I don't have a 2 foot vaj)
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $100 pretty much every weekend of my senior year of high school
Went skinny dipping -- $50 - in the ocean
Had sex in a pool -- $20 - yes but I don't like squeaky water sex so that was a one time thing
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $50 then was banned from ever doing it again ... long story
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $200
Cheated on your significant other -- $100 – ya but I cheated on him with my future hubs so that makes it ok
Masturbated -- $50 everyone should do it
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$300 it’s complicated
Done oral -- $50
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25 - please I've had sex with the driver of the vehicle of course I've given and received road head
Stole something -- $10 I used to steal books from school when I was in first grade
Had sex with someone in jail -- $50
Made a nasty home video -- $50 I have a whole collection
Had a threesome -- $100 w00t me and two guys. Jealous?
Had sex in the wild -- $20 love love love outdoor sex golf courses, under bridges, in the woods, on the beach yum!
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $50 it's called college
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $50
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $100 … ok it was 9 years and some months, but I was 16 and he was married so that makes up for the few lost months
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $20
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $20 that's another it's complicated
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $20 ya I lived with the asshole too
Went streaking -- $50
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $50 It was because I had to not because I wanted to...
Been arrested -- $100
Spent time in jail -- $500
Peed in the pool -- $20 – I was a swimmer. I’ve peed in the pool, on the deck in the showers ...
Played spin the bottle -- $20
Done something you regret -- $100.00 if you haven’t you haven’t lived
Had sex with your best friend -- $500.00 I fucked him then I married him years later
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$50
Had anal sex -- $50 and love it, but I quit and don’t do it anymore
Lied to your mate -- $5 who hasn't?
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $20 Again, who hasn’t?

My bail is *gulp* $2845