...Single Jealous Female. You know the one. My SJF broke up with her boyfriend of over six years just a few weeks before my wedding. That was fun. Ever since, SJF has been trying to one up me in every aspect of my life. But not with her swinging single escapades.... with her other married friends. Sound strange? Observe:
SJF: How much did you wedding cost?
RHWONY: Eeeehhh I don't really like to talk about that stuff.
SJF: Come on, I'm one of your best friends!
RHWONY: Eeerrr, I'm not really sure of an exact figure.
SJF: More than $20,000?
SJF: More than $40,000?
RHWONY: Probably...um bartender, can I get a refill please? Thaaaaaaaaanks.
SJF: More than $50,000?
RHWONY: That's probably the ballpark...weddings are crazy and cost lots of money and I don't like to talk about it.
SJF: Well yeah I mean my friend Betty's wedding cost over $100,000, so I know. I mean..... [insert random ramble about how super-de-duper Betty's wedding was].
RHWONY: Hmmm... so....
SJF: How many carats is your engagement ring?
RHWONY: Oooh, I dunno somewhere around 2.
SJF: Yeah that's a good size - definitely not too big. It's not extravagant. I mean my cousin's was like $30,000 and is 3 carats. Wouldn't you just feel unsafe walking around with a rock like that on your hand?
RHWONY: Yeah, I'm glad I just have my chip. Thanks.
SJF: So are you guys doing anything special for your first anniversary?
RHWONY: Well, we were planning on going to Italy for a vacay, but then Uncle Sam raped us in the butt and took all our money. So something low key. Maybe we'll go to dinner at the restaurant where we got engaged or do a weekend in the Hamptons or go to a casino.
SJF: That'll be nice for you guys, Susie and Jake are going to the Greek Isles. Isn't that where you originally wanted to honeymoon?
RHWONY: Yup...that's the place.
RHWONY: So I'm really excited...three jobs opened up at this school where I'd love to work!
SJF: Oh I know people in that district.
RHWONY: OMG. Hook a sista up!
SJF: Oh yeah, those positions are already filled.
RHWONY: Really? I called personnel yesterday and they said they haven't started interviewing yet.
SJF: Well who did you speak to? Marcia? Because I spoke to Marcia Jr. today and she told me they were filled.
Now, bearing all of this in mind, she has a good heart and has stuck by me through some tough times. She's got major issues, clearly. But seriously. WTF?
Stay tuned for more.