Tuesday, June 17, 2008

BOTB: Marriage is all about give and take

Before I get to the meat of this story, the part that will have you rolling on the floor pissing your pants let me first tell you about Stink and I the early years ...

We were best friends before we started dating. He was an anal retentive clean freak and in return for him cleaning my room, I made him dinner. I also got paid in weed every week to do his laundry. It was the good life. I love to cook, but hate to clean and laundry isn't so bad when you're stoned out of your mind. This perfect, happy way of life continued after our relationship started, but then, it stopped.

Fast forward to today. We're married. We no longer give a shit about impressing each other and worst of all, I broke my top of the line husband aka maid. We now play little games to see who will gave first as the mountain of dishes takes over our sink and our apartment is in a perpetual state of looking like a tornado just swept through. I never thought I would say this, but I'm tired of the mess and I want my cleaner bee husband back.

Enter in the 3am deal. Stink wants more sex, I want more cleaning. So what does any good couple capable of reaching a compromise do? We make a deal. In exchange for an pristine apartment and a sink full of nothing but shine, I, in turn, am required to provide sex twice a week and one BJ. I'm pretty sure Stink got the short end of the stick because while I'm often too lazy to have sex at least I enjoy it. If you enjoy cleaning you're certifiably crazy.

Enter our Mid Day Gchat
Left unedited for your viewing pleasure

Stink: so im guessing you were serious about our little deal last night?
im surprised you broke down so soon, only 1 year of me not cleaning and your
ready to give up the jewels eh?
looks like my plan worked perfectly!
im so pumped to start cleaning when i get home
you have no idea

me: asshole

Stink: ?
i just joking around
no need to be offended

me: sorry
i was doing something

Stink: oh
i thought you were super pissed

me: no
i need to have all dishes done and the bedroom picked up before you start getting any nookie though

Stink: ic
me: you already got some once this week

Stink: did I now

me: and frankly i don't trust you

Stink: that was last week sweetie
ha you dont trust me says the woman of broken promises

me: it was in the last 7 days sweetie

Stink: i think you owe me like 30 bjs

me: um those few you got a couple weeks ago more than make up for those
each one was easily worth 10 bjs

Stink: ?
you mean the new position? I will give you credit for that
it was hot
ok ok we are even for now
but you better bet your ass im getting you naked and doing dirty things to you by the end of the week
i think you forget how much of a motivator my penis is

me: lmao
hey you clean you'll get some sweet loving

Stink: ive been telling you for months if you want me to clean, give my crotch some
its not rocket science, didn't they teach you that in "How to handle men 101"

me: I guess I forgot that part

Stink: ha

me: then again most men are like me ... they don't clean

Stink: study harder next time
well you bought one that used to
and then you broke him

me: i think that part wasn't really in the class

Stink: orly
i was pretty sure it was under "how to use sex to get what you want" on the syllabus

me: i know my fucking husband is a defective model ... you think I can get my money

Stink: nope
all sales are final

me: ahhhh ok I remember that part

Stink: you can just dispose of him
no special permit required
just get your stamp from family court
aka divorce

me: you think you'd make good fertilizer for my veggies if i disposed of you in the back

Stink: alimony not guaranteed
um nope
human body has too much acid in it

me: wtf of course I get alimony
i have to put up with your shit

Stink: you need to wait until i dry out a bit

me: i deserve millions for that

Stink: ha
lets not get started on what i deserve......

1 comment:

SAHW said...

I told Mr.SAHW about your deal with Stink and he said "Can I get the same deal minus the cleaning part?" ::smack forehead:: I think he completely missed the point! ::rolls eyes::