Monday, May 19, 2008

Meet "SMILF"

Child hater turned SMILF - ISO way to juggle being perfect, pleasing everyone, & not committing murder all while wearing 4 inch heels and a big smile. Seeks perfect body on potato chip, pizza, and wine diet. Rx drugs & plastic surgery need not apply.

Smoked pot -- $20 I tried it one time. I blame the vast amounts of Everclear that were consumed beforehand.
Did acid -- $20
Ever had sex at church -- $50
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $20 I knew his first name but not sure who he was exactly or where I was exactly
Had sex with someone you met on My Space -- $1,000.00
Had sex for money -- $50
Vandalized something -- $500 As rebel children my friends and I toilet papered people we hated. Also put shaving cream on their cars and soaped them. Horrid children we were.
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $50
Beat up someone -- $50
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $50 I was a baseball player for Halloween one year complete with cup. I kind of liked it.
Given money to stripper -- $20 I should get extra points for giving it to her with my teeth and her taking it with her massive fake breasts.
Been in love with a stripper -- $50
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$100 Story of my early 20's until I became bored
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $50
Ever drive drunk -- $20 Yes and it's very wrong. But I totally made everyone buckle up. That is good right?
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $30 I do not recommend this. Seeing your desk spin in front of you is not a good thing.
Used toys while having sex -- $30 Outfits, props, toys...I like things interesting
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $100 My friends and I lived to discuss the missing details of the previous night when we were going out regularly. Good therapy sessions.
Went skinny dipping -- $50 Had to rinse the sand off of our bodies somehow...
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $50 Yes and I'll stick to my husband, thanks
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $200
Cheated on your significant other -- $100 Not my husband. I'll just say that.
Masturbated -- $50 Everyone should do this.
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$300
Done oral -- $50 I'm a good wife
Got oral -- $5 One of my husband's favorite things to do. He asks to do it. Yes, he's perfect.
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25 My husband enjoys his long road trips with me... ;)
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $50
Made a nasty home video -- $50 Wouldn't you like to know? Okay, okay....
Had a threesome -- $100
Had sex in the wild -- $20 Deserted beach in the middle of nowhere with scary crabs crawling around counts as wild to me
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $50
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $50
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $100 I do it nearly every day
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $20
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $20
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $20 Shame on me. Early 20's were so wishy washy.
Went streaking -- $50
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $50
Been arrested -- $100
Spent time in jail -- $500
Peed in the pool -- $20 Everyone has done this. Don't lie.
Played spin the bottle -- $20
Done something you regret -- $100.00 No, I'm perfect. HELL yes I've done things I regret.
Had sex with your best friend -- $500.00 I do this nearly every day as well.
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$50
Had anal sex -- $50 I didn't see it coming. Accidental. Or so he claims.
Lied to your mate -- $5 A "yes" to this isn't as bad as it sounds...
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $20

My bail is $2035 - don't spend that on my bail. Go buy a nice new purse instead.

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