Tuesday, May 20, 2008

SMILF: Defined

Defined: SMILF: a StepMother I would Like to Fuck; i.e., “dude your stepmom is a SMILF”

Actual conversation:
15-year-old girl: “Mom, do you think there is something wrong with someone who thinks they do NOT want to have kids? I really don’t think that I ever will.” 15 year old is really thinking…please don’t make me baby-sit those brats EVER again.
Mom: “No honey, lots of people make the choice to not have kids. Either way is completely fine.” Mother is really thinking…please don’t go out and have sex just because some sluts in your class at school are doing it. Once you get a degree and marry a doctor, then please bless me with grandchildren. You will change your mind by then.

One of the many conversations I remember having with my mother in my earlier days. Any person in their right mind knows that a 15-year-old girl shouldn’t worry about things like kids. I think some of my friends biological clocks started ticking early on though. Like we would see a hot man with a baby carriage and they are all, “That is so hot! I want a piece of that!” They thought he was hot because he was pushing a baby carriage? Um, YOO HOO – lost on aisle 24. What is hot about that?

I didn’t stay 15 forever. The not wanting kids part though? That didn’t change. I have no desire to birth children. None. Go ahead – say it. “Aw, you will change your mind!” I won’t. It’s done. The jig is up.

My husband supports this thankfully. Yes, I am married. I have been married for about a year give or take. I fell hard and fast for my husband. When did I know that he was “THE ONE” (really, what does that mean anyway? Is that like when you are trying to pick the best French fry off of your plate to save for last-the ONE)? For all of you saps out there, I will say that I knew when he learned to play my favorite Norah Jones song on the guitar – showed up at my apartment with pizza and wine (Yes, I eat…don’t tell anyone) and played and sang that song for me. For those of you who want the real skinny? I think when we took a shower together one time and he reached down and popped a pimple (you know you’ve had them) on my ass. I let him and didn’t even want to crawl into a hole and die because he knew I had things like butt pimples.

This man was perfect. Attractive, intelligent, great job, funny, the nicest person I had ever met – show me where to sign the marriage license please. There was a catch though. Isn’t there always? He was known as “Robert”, “Bob”, “Bobby”…but his other name? “Daddy”. That is right. I had done the ultimate. Fallen in love with a divorced man with two children. If you would have told me at 15 when I had that conversation with my mother that THIS would happen I would have looked for the nearest dull butter knife and went to town on my wrists. I can almost hear the horror film music playing at this moment. I HATE kids! What am I going to do?!

Okay cut the horror music. I love this man with all of my heart – he quickly became my best friend and someone I could not live without. Kids or no kids, I was swept away like a hairball from a shedding cat. So in my big white dress in front of all of my friends and family, I became not only a wife, but a SMILF. Oh, and let’s not forget that to the kids mother, I was now, “the young, hot woman who married my ex husband and who my kids now love”. Do you want me to get all storybook on you and tell you that we are all best friends and sit together at the kids sporting events? Who do you think I am? Cinder-fucking-rella? This is not storybook. This is real life as a SMILF. Without further adieu let me introduce to my family....(I am changing the names for practical purposes)

Robert: My wonderful husband who is the best man I have ever met in all ways. Happens to have a crazy ass selfish ex wife who believes the world revolves around her. Also has two amazing children from that marriage.

Sydney: My 8 year old stepdaughter. She is one of the sweetest little girls I've ever met. Very into art, Disney channel, and music. Also has issues that I believe stem from how her mother is raising her which makes things colorful for everyone involved.

Tyler: My 4 year old stepson. He is a riot nearly all of the time. Such a good little person - doesn't throw fits, polite, very friendly, etc. Never know what will come out of his mouth - in a funny way, not a "go stand in the corner" kind of way. Pretty much marches to the beat of his own drum thank goodness. I hope he escapes the issues. Loves sports, Hot Wheels, and Spiderman.

E: E is short for "the Enemy" which is what Robert and I call the kids mother. Takes decent enough care of the kids when it's convenient for her. Extremely selfish, dependent on others 100% of the time, needy, manipulative, bipolar, jealous...need I go on? I feel that when she hangs up the phone with the kids after she has made them cry she just stares at the receiver and cackles like a witch.

I might introduce more characters along the way, but these are the main ones in my life. Regardless of if I want all 4 in my life or not. I could definitely do without the last one.

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