Last week if you had bothered to ask me how I feel about weddings I would have said "I'm so over them." Don't get me wrong I love being able to help my friends with their weddings and I have a sickening sense of pride that I still have every stupid website that has the perfect insert any wedding item imagineable engrained in my brain for all of eternity, but it's really not as much fun when it's not you're own wedding. I admit I was a crazy bride. No, not a bridezilla asshole, just a crazy bride. There's a big difference. One is a crazy asshole the other is just plain looney toons. I was just plain looney toons. Nothing more nothing less.
Now where was I? Oh ya, I was over weddings, I have what seems like a million to go to this summer and I'm in two of them. That's just a lot of wedding maddness for any one person to have to deal with and it certainly didn't help that the first wedding I went to at the beginning of this month was bo-ring. Add to that the fact that the bride and groom didn't even want to hold hands much less kiss or pretend they love each other and it pretty much just dumps it's ass into the dud wedding category.
Then last weekend happened and for the time being my love of weddings has been restored. Sure, the old friends in from out of town helped the situation, but really it was the ceremony that reminded me why weddings are so great.
Let's backtrack a bit.
Leading up to the wedding I had helped my friend, lets call her Diane with quite a few things. Giving her tips and pointers where I could. But poor Diane. Every time she went off and did something on her own it would turn out I had done the same exact thing.
D - "OMG we found the PERFECT song for me to walk down the aisle to."
BOTB - "Sweet! What is it"
D - "Storybook Love. It's by Mark Knopffler. Do you know it."
BOTB (smacks forehead and prepares to break the news) - "Um ya I know it, that's what I walked down the aisle to"
BS - "Nooooooooooooo"
There were a few things like that and I stood by the fact that I did not hold rights to any of it and it was all free game. I was genuine when I said it unlike some ex-bridezillas who would throw a hissy fit. I truly wanted her day to be everything she wanted and who was I to stand in the way of that.
Fastforward to the Wedding Day
As I walked to the entry way and prepared to make my debut as her bridesmaid I heard it. The song I walked down the aisle to *cue tears.* She had told me she decided to use it for the bridal party, but I, not caring so much about weddings, forgot. I walked out with my preassigned groomsman to my favorite part of the song. The point where the music moves you and it brought me right back to just less than a year ago when I was walking towards my hubs to that very song feeling the emotional tugs of the music pull me down the aisle towards the man I loved.
The ceremony started and right away The Art of Marriage was read. While I didn't use it in my ceremony because it's seriously the most overused wedding passage on the face of the earth and if you haven't heard it before you're living under a rock, I did have it on the granite placque-y thing that my bouquet rested on during the ceremony. What? Just because it's overused doesn't mean I can't still like it. Cue more struggling not to cry.
Then the piece de resistance ... the Hands Ceremony. I had been told her hands ceremony was completely different from mine. It wasn't. It was word for word the same thing that was read at my ceremony while I was clinging to my almost-husband's hands looking longingly into his eyes. Yep, that was it, I was no longer paying attention to the bride, I was focused on my husband. The man I love with every bit of myself and couldn't imagine my life without. I was brought right back to that moment when we committed the rest of our lives to each other and I felt all the love I had on our wedding day rush back to me.
When I was reunited with my hubs I asked him if he noticed. He paused and unsurely replied "ya." BULLSHIT. I was sitting there having this uber emotional love inducing experience while my husband was sitting there with his tumb up his ass watching the bride and groom. Motherfucker.
Despite my husband being 100% oblivious. I love weddings again, I love the pure emotion expressed when people are committing themselves to one another. I love the dancing to cheesy song drunk off one too many glasses of champagne and the hook ups. Who doesn't love placing bets on the singles who will hook up after the last dance is done. Most of all though, I love that it's somewhere I 've been before. I know those emotions, I know the pure rush of adreneline, love and holy shit (yes holy shit is an emotion) that fills your body that day. Really, truly, honestly, what's not to love about weddings?
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
SMILF: "She ain't here is she?"
I can't imagine what life was like for Robert having the kids all by himself before I came along. Don't get me wrong - he is an amazing father. He is fun, he would do anything for the kids, he makes sure that the kids have a great childhood as much as possible - having said that, he is a bit scatterbrained and I just can't imagine him dealing with two young children on his own. I shudder at the thought.
He tells a funny story of a time that he took the kids (very young at this time) to a barbecue at a friend's house. One of the women at the barbecue offered Tyler a Diet soft drink and he says to her very matter of factly, "My mommy doesn't let us drink that." And the women looks around and says to him with a smile, "Well, she ain't here is she?" (I hate when people say "ain't"...using it only as a quote here).
I think this story strikes me as funny because this woman said what I would like to say all too often..."Well, she ain't here is she?" The thing about kids having two different houses and two different sets of parents is that equals two different sets of rules. In our case, their "other house" is very different than ours on many levels. We are very structured, never late for things, we don't let the kids run wild, etc. I could go on for hours about the differences but I'll spare us both that long list. I'm sure I will get to more of that at a later date and time.
Having two different sets of rules can get confusing for young kids and I get that, but it also sucks for the parents. In addition to that, hearing your stepchild say, "Well, at my mommy's house...blah blah blah," a million times starts to sound like fingernails on a chalkboard. Especially when you could care less to ever hear about "mommy" again because in your book she isn't even worth having her name brought up in any conversation in your house. I mean, I don't give a crap if your mommy let's you run all up and down the mall without being watched. I don't give a crap if your mommy doesn't make you brush your teeth two times a day. I don't give a crap if your mommy lets you jump on the couch. It "ain't" happening at this house and with your SMILF around.
Please always remember, I do adore my stepchildren. I really do. I can't imagine life without them. But, marrying someone with kids and a nutso ex wife definitely keeps things....interesting.
He tells a funny story of a time that he took the kids (very young at this time) to a barbecue at a friend's house. One of the women at the barbecue offered Tyler a Diet soft drink and he says to her very matter of factly, "My mommy doesn't let us drink that." And the women looks around and says to him with a smile, "Well, she ain't here is she?" (I hate when people say "ain't"...using it only as a quote here).
I think this story strikes me as funny because this woman said what I would like to say all too often..."Well, she ain't here is she?" The thing about kids having two different houses and two different sets of parents is that equals two different sets of rules. In our case, their "other house" is very different than ours on many levels. We are very structured, never late for things, we don't let the kids run wild, etc. I could go on for hours about the differences but I'll spare us both that long list. I'm sure I will get to more of that at a later date and time.
Having two different sets of rules can get confusing for young kids and I get that, but it also sucks for the parents. In addition to that, hearing your stepchild say, "Well, at my mommy's house...blah blah blah," a million times starts to sound like fingernails on a chalkboard. Especially when you could care less to ever hear about "mommy" again because in your book she isn't even worth having her name brought up in any conversation in your house. I mean, I don't give a crap if your mommy let's you run all up and down the mall without being watched. I don't give a crap if your mommy doesn't make you brush your teeth two times a day. I don't give a crap if your mommy lets you jump on the couch. It "ain't" happening at this house and with your SMILF around.
Please always remember, I do adore my stepchildren. I really do. I can't imagine life without them. But, marrying someone with kids and a nutso ex wife definitely keeps things....interesting.
This random SMILF vent brought to you by the makers of Grey Goose Vodka...because without that, SMILF's everywhere would be in a lot worse shape than they are.
RHWONY: Defined
Real HouseWife of New York: noun. 1. a woman who does not know how to be second best in a world of the best. 2. one who wants everything. now. in a place where everyone has everything. and it's better than hers.You can forget the countess, that tacky guidette and the poor girl, Alex.
This is a REAL housewife of New York.
This is a REAL housewife of New York.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
BOTB: To baby or not to baby that is the question
Unlike tweedle dee and tweedle dumb (more oftenly known as SAHW and SMILF or is that SMILF and SAHW?) I can't wait to be a mom. A real, live, shitting a watermelon out your cooch mom, preferably one of the SAH persuassion.
When I was younger and in my I'm "12 and I know everything phase" not much different from my current "I'm 25 and know everything phase" I pretty much told my Aunt she was useless because she was a SAHM and didn't do anything else. Open mouth insert foot Now, there's a big difference between the type of SAHM I want to be and the type she was. She was one of those prissy bitches who had a maid come by a few times a week, forced her husband to take the kids to school and practices an then had the balls to complain about how tough her life was. If I EVER become that much of a sniviling whiny craphole of a mom someone please just shoot me. TIA
I refuse to be like that because unlike my Aunt I actually love kids, I think they're even better than sliced bread. If I could somehow stay home with my someday babies I would be in heaven. Not because I'd get to be a lazy ass who did nothing with her life and complained about it, but because it would give me the opportunity to really be there for my kids, giving them all the love and tenderness and bitchslap ... I mean dicipline they could ever need. I want my kids to respect me, but at the same time know that they can come to me when they need something. I want to be there for every soccer game and every practice, recitle whatever it is I want to be there. I want to give up life as I know it so that my kids can have every opportunity I can provide them. Basically, I want to be like my parents.
My parents were seriously the perfect parents. Sure at 16 I thought they had their flaws, but looking back at my life I'm in awe of them because I was somehow lucky enough to have parents that would do anything and more for my brother and I. We were their world, their life, their everything. While on one hand we were spoiled with their love and time, we were always well rounded kids who could stand up for ourselves and were never spoiled with material things. Sure, my mom went to every store known to man to get me the silly TalkBoy (or whatever it was called) from Home Alone 2, but we certainly never got everything we wanted. My parents gave up 20 years of their life literally doing almost nothing for themselves because they were happier doing for us. If I can be half the parents they were and be half as in love with my hubs as they still are after 30+ years of marriage I will be one lucky bitch.
Which brings me to my current predicament. I want babies so very badly. I can't wait to have them. I not so secretly hope for an accident, but then I stop and think about the type of parent I want to be and I say to myself ohh fuck no. There is no way I'm ready to give up my life for anyone yet. My husband is even worse than I am, but at least he has the common sense to know it. I go through these wonderful phases of being blissfully unaware of all the consequences of shitting out babies, but then there are those days when I stop and say to myself umm, we're in debit, we live in the crappiest apt on the face of the earth and there's still so much I want to do before I give up everything for kiddies. What the hell am I thinking? I know I want them for selfish reasons at this point and that's the main reason I should wait.
How can you want kids so badly and stop yourself from being selfish enough to have them before you're ready? I know I know you're never really ready, but...On some level I feel like I'll never live up to my parents.
Hmm if only I could win the lottery I'd be set. I could buy a house, travel and pay off our debit all before having kids. I think if I got all that I might be read. Anyone know how to magically win the lotto? If you want to give me a million bucks that should do it too. Come on make my dreams of babies come true you know you want to.
When I was younger and in my I'm "12 and I know everything phase" not much different from my current "I'm 25 and know everything phase" I pretty much told my Aunt she was useless because she was a SAHM and didn't do anything else. Open mouth insert foot Now, there's a big difference between the type of SAHM I want to be and the type she was. She was one of those prissy bitches who had a maid come by a few times a week, forced her husband to take the kids to school and practices an then had the balls to complain about how tough her life was. If I EVER become that much of a sniviling whiny craphole of a mom someone please just shoot me. TIA
I refuse to be like that because unlike my Aunt I actually love kids, I think they're even better than sliced bread. If I could somehow stay home with my someday babies I would be in heaven. Not because I'd get to be a lazy ass who did nothing with her life and complained about it, but because it would give me the opportunity to really be there for my kids, giving them all the love and tenderness and bitchslap ... I mean dicipline they could ever need. I want my kids to respect me, but at the same time know that they can come to me when they need something. I want to be there for every soccer game and every practice, recitle whatever it is I want to be there. I want to give up life as I know it so that my kids can have every opportunity I can provide them. Basically, I want to be like my parents.
My parents were seriously the perfect parents. Sure at 16 I thought they had their flaws, but looking back at my life I'm in awe of them because I was somehow lucky enough to have parents that would do anything and more for my brother and I. We were their world, their life, their everything. While on one hand we were spoiled with their love and time, we were always well rounded kids who could stand up for ourselves and were never spoiled with material things. Sure, my mom went to every store known to man to get me the silly TalkBoy (or whatever it was called) from Home Alone 2, but we certainly never got everything we wanted. My parents gave up 20 years of their life literally doing almost nothing for themselves because they were happier doing for us. If I can be half the parents they were and be half as in love with my hubs as they still are after 30+ years of marriage I will be one lucky bitch.
Which brings me to my current predicament. I want babies so very badly. I can't wait to have them. I not so secretly hope for an accident, but then I stop and think about the type of parent I want to be and I say to myself ohh fuck no. There is no way I'm ready to give up my life for anyone yet. My husband is even worse than I am, but at least he has the common sense to know it. I go through these wonderful phases of being blissfully unaware of all the consequences of shitting out babies, but then there are those days when I stop and say to myself umm, we're in debit, we live in the crappiest apt on the face of the earth and there's still so much I want to do before I give up everything for kiddies. What the hell am I thinking? I know I want them for selfish reasons at this point and that's the main reason I should wait.
How can you want kids so badly and stop yourself from being selfish enough to have them before you're ready? I know I know you're never really ready, but...On some level I feel like I'll never live up to my parents.
Hmm if only I could win the lottery I'd be set. I could buy a house, travel and pay off our debit all before having kids. I think if I got all that I might be read. Anyone know how to magically win the lotto? If you want to give me a million bucks that should do it too. Come on make my dreams of babies come true you know you want to.
SAHW: Deconstructed
I know what you're thinking...
What the hell does a Stay At Home Wife do if there are no drool monsters to take care of? Stop. Just stop. I don't need any Suzy Homemakers telling me that its only worthwhile to stay at home if you have children. I already have a mother-in-law who fills the position quite nicely. Don't get me wrong. I love this woman like my own mother but she's got a chronic sickness that is medically defined as granchildrenitis. Its a constant and neverending pain. I think she's going to start a foundation soon.
Contrary to popular belief I am not a baby hater. I adore children. Let me clarify. I adore "other people's children" because when I am done holding your crap factories, I can give it back to you and relish in the fact that I do not own a diaper genie. See the beauty of the sitch? Now you're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know you do.
But can someone explain this phenomenon to me?
Why do complete strangers feel its their right to tell me that I need... No wait... its my *DUTY* to have children now that I am married? Since when are women defined by that school yard jump rope mentality: first-comes-marriage-then-comes-kids narrow brick road?
Not this bitch. ::pointing emphatically at self::
Thank you very much.
What the hell does a Stay At Home Wife do if there are no drool monsters to take care of? Stop. Just stop. I don't need any Suzy Homemakers telling me that its only worthwhile to stay at home if you have children. I already have a mother-in-law who fills the position quite nicely. Don't get me wrong. I love this woman like my own mother but she's got a chronic sickness that is medically defined as granchildrenitis. Its a constant and neverending pain. I think she's going to start a foundation soon.
Contrary to popular belief I am not a baby hater. I adore children. Let me clarify. I adore "other people's children" because when I am done holding your crap factories, I can give it back to you and relish in the fact that I do not own a diaper genie. See the beauty of the sitch? Now you're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know you do.
But can someone explain this phenomenon to me?
Why do complete strangers feel its their right to tell me that I need... No wait... its my *DUTY* to have children now that I am married? Since when are women defined by that school yard jump rope mentality: first-comes-marriage-then-comes-kids narrow brick road?
Not this bitch. ::pointing emphatically at self::
Thank you very much.
SMILF: Will starve for martinis
It's no secret to anyone around me that I am constantly obsessing over how I look. I am not one that has to dress to the nines every day or anything (or even to the eights for that matter....) but keeping my size 4 in check is constantly on my mind. I have to be the hottest SMILF at soccer games you know.
My one vice in life is having a cocktail after work on shitty days. Okay. Maybe that is a close second to my love of all things fashion, but they are all very close. Conversation that I have with myself at least once a week at work:
"I really want to reach over and drink that bag of M&M's." Yes, drink. As in, turn the bag completely upside down and just pour them in my mouth like a nice big glass of ice water on a hot day. But I don't do that. And you know why? Because I constantly have a calculator in my head of calorie intake
I then say to myself, "Nope, I don't want to use up 250 calories on this bag of M&M's because that is almost two martinis later and I want those way more!"
So, I promptly put down the bag and look forward to my martini that will replace the chocolately goodness later in the day.
Here I was thinking that I was being all smart. Not smart...really, I should replace both things with some veggies and fruit but that is what I live on in my life so a girl has to do what a girl has to do sometimes to get her fix. This morning I was reading my local news online as I always do when I should be working, and I come across an article about "Drunkorexia". It caught my eye. Doesn't that sound like some made up name that Perez Hilton or someone would name a celebrity who resembled a skeleton trying to sit on a bar stool at Bungalow 8 every night? But it's not. Defined:
Drunkorexia is a new slang term that describes the practice of restricting food intake in order to drink more alcohol.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Wait a minute? Does my practice of making sure I don't have too many calories during the day so I can have my martini at night fall into this? It goes on further to say:
"If you are doing mental algebra to compensate or manage your drinking in response to your eating, simply that sign is worrisome."
Me doing algebra in my head at any point for any reason should be worrisome. So what the hell does this mean? They are now labeling people who cut down on food during the day to have drinks at night? Slow down medical field. I'm just trying to still look like SMILF Barbie and not have to be put on anxiety medicine. I've done the eating disorder thing before - this is not it.
I'm not trying to belittle this problem - I think eating disorders are a painful thing to go through so if this leads to that, then it could be a problem. But I know I am not the only woman out there who does this. Come on. Don't lie. And I can guarantee you that in college I led the "Drunkorexic" phase of skipping meals for alcohol. It's called, "Being 19 and a fucking idiot".
Anyone want to start up "DA" with me? Drunkorexics Anonymous? We can all be skinny and fabulous and drink martinis all night at the meetings. You know you want to.
My one vice in life is having a cocktail after work on shitty days. Okay. Maybe that is a close second to my love of all things fashion, but they are all very close. Conversation that I have with myself at least once a week at work:
"I really want to reach over and drink that bag of M&M's." Yes, drink. As in, turn the bag completely upside down and just pour them in my mouth like a nice big glass of ice water on a hot day. But I don't do that. And you know why? Because I constantly have a calculator in my head of calorie intake
I then say to myself, "Nope, I don't want to use up 250 calories on this bag of M&M's because that is almost two martinis later and I want those way more!"
So, I promptly put down the bag and look forward to my martini that will replace the chocolately goodness later in the day.
Here I was thinking that I was being all smart. Not smart...really, I should replace both things with some veggies and fruit but that is what I live on in my life so a girl has to do what a girl has to do sometimes to get her fix. This morning I was reading my local news online as I always do when I should be working, and I come across an article about "Drunkorexia". It caught my eye. Doesn't that sound like some made up name that Perez Hilton or someone would name a celebrity who resembled a skeleton trying to sit on a bar stool at Bungalow 8 every night? But it's not. Defined:
Drunkorexia is a new slang term that describes the practice of restricting food intake in order to drink more alcohol.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Wait a minute? Does my practice of making sure I don't have too many calories during the day so I can have my martini at night fall into this? It goes on further to say:
"If you are doing mental algebra to compensate or manage your drinking in response to your eating, simply that sign is worrisome."
Me doing algebra in my head at any point for any reason should be worrisome. So what the hell does this mean? They are now labeling people who cut down on food during the day to have drinks at night? Slow down medical field. I'm just trying to still look like SMILF Barbie and not have to be put on anxiety medicine. I've done the eating disorder thing before - this is not it.
I'm not trying to belittle this problem - I think eating disorders are a painful thing to go through so if this leads to that, then it could be a problem. But I know I am not the only woman out there who does this. Come on. Don't lie. And I can guarantee you that in college I led the "Drunkorexic" phase of skipping meals for alcohol. It's called, "Being 19 and a fucking idiot".
Anyone want to start up "DA" with me? Drunkorexics Anonymous? We can all be skinny and fabulous and drink martinis all night at the meetings. You know you want to.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
SMILF: Defined
Defined: SMILF: a StepMother I would Like to Fuck; i.e., “dude your stepmom is a SMILF”
Actual conversation:
15-year-old girl: “Mom, do you think there is something wrong with someone who thinks they do NOT want to have kids? I really don’t think that I ever will.” 15 year old is really thinking…please don’t make me baby-sit those brats EVER again.
Mom: “No honey, lots of people make the choice to not have kids. Either way is completely fine.” Mother is really thinking…please don’t go out and have sex just because some sluts in your class at school are doing it. Once you get a degree and marry a doctor, then please bless me with grandchildren. You will change your mind by then.
One of the many conversations I remember having with my mother in my earlier days. Any person in their right mind knows that a 15-year-old girl shouldn’t worry about things like kids. I think some of my friends biological clocks started ticking early on though. Like we would see a hot man with a baby carriage and they are all, “That is so hot! I want a piece of that!” They thought he was hot because he was pushing a baby carriage? Um, YOO HOO – lost on aisle 24. What is hot about that?
I didn’t stay 15 forever. The not wanting kids part though? That didn’t change. I have no desire to birth children. None. Go ahead – say it. “Aw, you will change your mind!” I won’t. It’s done. The jig is up.
My husband supports this thankfully. Yes, I am married. I have been married for about a year give or take. I fell hard and fast for my husband. When did I know that he was “THE ONE” (really, what does that mean anyway? Is that like when you are trying to pick the best French fry off of your plate to save for last-the ONE)? For all of you saps out there, I will say that I knew when he learned to play my favorite Norah Jones song on the guitar – showed up at my apartment with pizza and wine (Yes, I eat…don’t tell anyone) and played and sang that song for me. For those of you who want the real skinny? I think when we took a shower together one time and he reached down and popped a pimple (you know you’ve had them) on my ass. I let him and didn’t even want to crawl into a hole and die because he knew I had things like butt pimples.
This man was perfect. Attractive, intelligent, great job, funny, the nicest person I had ever met – show me where to sign the marriage license please. There was a catch though. Isn’t there always? He was known as “Robert”, “Bob”, “Bobby”…but his other name? “Daddy”. That is right. I had done the ultimate. Fallen in love with a divorced man with two children. If you would have told me at 15 when I had that conversation with my mother that THIS would happen I would have looked for the nearest dull butter knife and went to town on my wrists. I can almost hear the horror film music playing at this moment. I HATE kids! What am I going to do?!
Okay cut the horror music. I love this man with all of my heart – he quickly became my best friend and someone I could not live without. Kids or no kids, I was swept away like a hairball from a shedding cat. So in my big white dress in front of all of my friends and family, I became not only a wife, but a SMILF. Oh, and let’s not forget that to the kids mother, I was now, “the young, hot woman who married my ex husband and who my kids now love”. Do you want me to get all storybook on you and tell you that we are all best friends and sit together at the kids sporting events? Who do you think I am? Cinder-fucking-rella? This is not storybook. This is real life as a SMILF. Without further adieu let me introduce to my family....(I am changing the names for practical purposes)
Robert: My wonderful husband who is the best man I have ever met in all ways. Happens to have a crazy ass selfish ex wife who believes the world revolves around her. Also has two amazing children from that marriage.
Sydney: My 8 year old stepdaughter. She is one of the sweetest little girls I've ever met. Very into art, Disney channel, and music. Also has issues that I believe stem from how her mother is raising her which makes things colorful for everyone involved.
Tyler: My 4 year old stepson. He is a riot nearly all of the time. Such a good little person - doesn't throw fits, polite, very friendly, etc. Never know what will come out of his mouth - in a funny way, not a "go stand in the corner" kind of way. Pretty much marches to the beat of his own drum thank goodness. I hope he escapes the issues. Loves sports, Hot Wheels, and Spiderman.
E: E is short for "the Enemy" which is what Robert and I call the kids mother. Takes decent enough care of the kids when it's convenient for her. Extremely selfish, dependent on others 100% of the time, needy, manipulative, bipolar, jealous...need I go on? I feel that when she hangs up the phone with the kids after she has made them cry she just stares at the receiver and cackles like a witch.
I might introduce more characters along the way, but these are the main ones in my life. Regardless of if I want all 4 in my life or not. I could definitely do without the last one.
Meet "RHWONY"
MWF with the need to be the best at everything...cooking, baking, entertaining, staying fit, interior decorating and basically just existing and being fabulous. Any jealous haters need not apply...I've got enough in my life.
Smoked pot -- $20 at least once a weekend in high school.
Did acid -- $20
Ever had sex at church -- $50
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $20 his name was definitely Derek "like oil derek" he said
Had sex with someone you met on My Space -- $1,000.00
Had sex for money -- $50
Vandalized something -- $500 does an empty sixer of wine coolers in a USPS mailbox to hide evidence count?
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $50
Beat up someone -- $50
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $50 this is amateur when you're a woman.
Given money to stripper -- $20 I think I'm owed an extra $20 bc the stripper was my friend, no?
Been in love with a stripper -- $50
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$100
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $50
Ever drive drunk -- $20 Ashamed to admit it, but most Fridays after Happy Hour at my old job. I'm done with that junk.
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $30 I definitely chaperoned a middle school prom, went out after and reported to field day the following day in less than stellar shape.
Used toys while having sex -- $30 duh.
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $100 I could really rack up some major bucks here if you let me count each time.
Went skinny dipping -- $50 You wish you had photos.
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $50 Let's be honest, who doesn't want that attention?
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $200
Cheated on your significant other -- $100 Let's be clear...NOT my husband.
Masturbated -- $50 Has anyone not?
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$300 and then made them hate their friend who told on us because I said he was lying? yup. And it was his friend...not even that close...I'll take half that money to be fair
Done oral -- $50 seriously?
Got oral -- $5 would I have married him if I hadn't?
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25 long drives get boring.
Stole something -- $10 I was young and in need of eyeliner.
Had sex with someone in jail -- $50
Made a nasty home video -- $50
Had a threesome -- $100
Had sex in the wild -- $20 I don't really do "wild." I'm from NYC. Get real. But the beach counts.
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $50 and had sex at the same time...and did it better.
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $50
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $100
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $20
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $20
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $20 Couldn't break the boy's heart, could I?
Went streaking -- $50
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $50
Been arrested -- $100
Spent time in jail -- $500
Peed in the pool -- $20 isn't that what chlorine's for?
Played spin the bottle -- $20 when I was like 12, really?
Done something you regret -- $100.00 who hasn't?
Had sex with your best friend >-- $500.00 he's my hub.
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$50
Had anal sex -- $50
Lied to your mate -- $5 little white.
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $20
Bail me out for $2015!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Meet "BOTB"
MWF with BOTB. Looking to get pregnant ASAP. Ex-nympho turned ambivalent looking for magical Jesus-like immaculate conception. If you can get my husband baby ready you're the one for me!
Smoked pot -- $20 ahh one of my favorite pastimes in college
Dropped acid -- $20 you should see the tripping sex tape ;)
Ever had sex at church -- $50 ... no but would a graveyard count?
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $20
Had sex with someone you met on My Space -- $1,000.00
Had sex for money -- $50
Vandalized something -- $500 TP-ing and forking are fun
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $50 Of course, they have a water bed
Beat up someone -- $50
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $50 I dressed up as a boy for Halloween one year. That counts right?
Given money to stripper -- $20 - money and blow
Been in love with a stripper -- $50
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$100 oh god ya
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $50 only work with guys
Ever drive drunk -- $20 - most fun drive of my entire life ... I will never do it again
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $30 ya and it sucks
Used toys while having sex -- $30 - I love my 2 foot glass dildo (It's double sided get your mind out of the gutter I don't have a 2 foot vaj)
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $100 pretty much every weekend of my senior year of high school
Went skinny dipping -- $50 - in the ocean
Had sex in a pool -- $20 - yes but I don't like squeaky water sex so that was a one time thing
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $50 then was banned from ever doing it again ... long story
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $200
Cheated on your significant other -- $100 – ya but I cheated on him with my future hubs so that makes it ok
Masturbated -- $50 everyone should do it
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$300 it’s complicated
Done oral -- $50
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25 - please I've had sex with the driver of the vehicle of course I've given and received road head
Stole something -- $10 I used to steal books from school when I was in first grade
Had sex with someone in jail -- $50
Made a nasty home video -- $50 I have a whole collection
Had a threesome -- $100 w00t me and two guys. Jealous?
Had sex in the wild -- $20 love love love outdoor sex golf courses, under bridges, in the woods, on the beach yum!
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $50 it's called college
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $50
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $100 … ok it was 9 years and some months, but I was 16 and he was married so that makes up for the few lost months
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $20
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $20 that's another it's complicated
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $20 ya I lived with the asshole too
Went streaking -- $50
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $50 It was because I had to not because I wanted to...
Been arrested -- $100
Spent time in jail -- $500
Peed in the pool -- $20 – I was a swimmer. I’ve peed in the pool, on the deck in the showers ...
Played spin the bottle -- $20
Done something you regret -- $100.00 if you haven’t you haven’t lived
Had sex with your best friend -- $500.00 I fucked him then I married him years later
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$50
Had anal sex -- $50 and love it, but I quit and don’t do it anymore
Lied to your mate -- $5 who hasn't?
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $20 Again, who hasn’t?
My bail is *gulp* $2845
Meet "SMILF"
Child hater turned SMILF - ISO way to juggle being perfect, pleasing everyone, & not committing murder all while wearing 4 inch heels and a big smile. Seeks perfect body on potato chip, pizza, and wine diet. Rx drugs & plastic surgery need not apply.
Smoked pot -- $20 I tried it one time. I blame the vast amounts of Everclear that were consumed beforehand.
Did acid -- $20
Ever had sex at church -- $50
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $20 I knew his first name but not sure who he was exactly or where I was exactly
Had sex with someone you met on My Space -- $1,000.00
Had sex for money -- $50
Vandalized something -- $500 As rebel children my friends and I toilet papered people we hated. Also put shaving cream on their cars and soaped them. Horrid children we were.
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $50
Beat up someone -- $50
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $50 I was a baseball player for Halloween one year complete with cup. I kind of liked it.
Given money to stripper -- $20 I should get extra points for giving it to her with my teeth and her taking it with her massive fake breasts.
Been in love with a stripper -- $50
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$100 Story of my early 20's until I became bored
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $50
Ever drive drunk -- $20 Yes and it's very wrong. But I totally made everyone buckle up. That is good right?
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $30 I do not recommend this. Seeing your desk spin in front of you is not a good thing.
Used toys while having sex -- $30 Outfits, props, toys...I like things interesting
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $100 My friends and I lived to discuss the missing details of the previous night when we were going out regularly. Good therapy sessions.
Went skinny dipping -- $50 Had to rinse the sand off of our bodies somehow...
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $50 Yes and I'll stick to my husband, thanks
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $200
Cheated on your significant other -- $100 Not my husband. I'll just say that.
Masturbated -- $50 Everyone should do this.
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$300
Done oral -- $50 I'm a good wife
Got oral -- $5 One of my husband's favorite things to do. He asks to do it. Yes, he's perfect.
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25 My husband enjoys his long road trips with me... ;)
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $50
Made a nasty home video -- $50 Wouldn't you like to know? Okay, okay....
Had a threesome -- $100
Had sex in the wild -- $20 Deserted beach in the middle of nowhere with scary crabs crawling around counts as wild to me
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $50
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $50
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $100 I do it nearly every day
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $20
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $20
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $20 Shame on me. Early 20's were so wishy washy.
Went streaking -- $50
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $50
Been arrested -- $100
Spent time in jail -- $500
Peed in the pool -- $20 Everyone has done this. Don't lie.
Played spin the bottle -- $20
Done something you regret -- $100.00 No, I'm perfect. HELL yes I've done things I regret.
Had sex with your best friend -- $500.00 I do this nearly every day as well.
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$50
Had anal sex -- $50 I didn't see it coming. Accidental. Or so he claims.
Lied to your mate -- $5 A "yes" to this isn't as bad as it sounds...
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $20
My bail is $2035 - don't spend that on my bail. Go buy a nice new purse instead.
Meet "SAHW"
I am a SAHW that knows what she wants. She doesn't want to be a SAHM. All babies' daddies need not apply.
Smoked pot -- $20 Just FYI, sex is so incredible when you are high.
Did acid -- $20
Ever had sex at church -- $50
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $20
Had sex with someone you met on My Space -- $1,000
Had sex for money -- $50
Vandalized something -- $500 Rank eggs+toilet papering her car counts esp if she tried to get with your bff's man.
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $50
Beat up someone -- $50 She fucked around with my man. Oh hell nah...
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $50 It was halloween. It happens.
Given money to stripper -- $20 Just doing my part to support the performing arts.
Been in love with a stripper -- $50
Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- $100 Sure. why not.
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $50
Ever drive drunk -- $20 Better me than the person who was unconscious
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $30 Who hasn't?
Used toys while having sex -- $30 Gotta keep my man happy in the sack
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $100 No comment because I obviously don't remember
Went skinny dipping -- $50 Thats like a right of passage in high school --> college right?
Had sex in a pool -- $20 It was so cold but it wasn't the water that gave me chills.
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $50 I gave myself the money for a cheek kiss. Sue me.
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $200
Cheated on your significant other -- $100 It was not my husband but still not proud of it
Masturbated -- $50 Gotta keep ME happy in the sack.
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$300
Done oral -- $50
Got oral -- $5 What goes around comes around. Just saying...
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
Stole something -- $10 I was 5 years old! I really wanted that headband. It had sparkles.
Had sex with someone in jail -- $50
Made a nasty home video -- $50
Had a threesome -- $100
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $50 A memory I care not to revisit.
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $50 What if it was actually a $100? I stole it from my roommate's one-night-stand's wallet after he passed out on my dorm floor.
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $100
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $20
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $20 Yes. I do not believe you only get 1 true love.
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $20
Went streaking -- $50 In all my bouncing au natural DD glory.
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $50
Been arrested -- $100
Spent time in jail -- $500
Peed in the pool -- $20 Don't even try to convince yourself that you never have.
Played spin the bottle -- $20 Isn't this mandatory at junior high parties?
Done something you regret -- $100 Who hasn't? Maybe Mother Theresa? But I still think even she has skeletons.
Had sex with your best friend -- $500 My husband is my best friend. Doesn't get any cheesier than that.
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $50
Had anal sex -- $50
Lied to your mate -- $5 Don't kid yourself. And its not just you. He's lied to you too.
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $20 I admit it. What mate hasn't?
Bail me out! $2140
Be honest. Whats your bail?
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